


survival is a game i have to win

by takethebreadsticksandRUN



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Inej can be a little vulnerable, KAZ IS SO HARD TO WRITE WHYYYY, Panic Attack, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Starring The Incredible Relationship Inej and Nina Have, as a treat, discussions of past trauma (non-explicit), don't think too hard about it it's not that important, i want to burn the menagerie down and stomp on the ashes, i'm not sure when this is set, inej isn't very gentle with herself and thinks kaz will be upset if she shows weakness, probably somewhere in the middle of SOC pre-inej getting kidnapped, the inherent romantacism of standing close enough to touch but not quite touching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:48:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28388805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/takethebreadsticksandRUN/pseuds/takethebreadsticksandRUN
Summary: She was supposed to be the Wraith. She was supposed to be untouchable, unable to be cornered. She was not the kind of person who collapsed at an errant touch or suggestive comment. Inej was supposed to be stronger than this, she was supposed to be so much more than this.OROn her way back to the Slat, Inej runs into some bad memories.
Relationships: Inej Ghafa & Nina Zenik, Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa
Comments: 12
Kudos: 61





	survival is a game i have to win

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys! this is my first work for SOC and DANG i forgot how hard it is to get used to writing new voices. a few things before we get into the story (sorry!)-  
> inej's experience is directly based on my own. i do not take criticism as it is something intensely personal and real to me, even if it varies from your own.   
> CONTENT WARNING- vague allusion to inej's traumatic past and some minor non-consensual touching (hand to the waist).   
> i know it's not exactly in character for inej to show weakness like this but i just wanted to project onto her okay?   
> that's it! enjoy<3  
> xxx

Ketterdam was a noisy place, the streets full of people and monsters pretending to be people, all talking and shouting and laughing as they pounded drumbeats across cobblestone streets that have seen too much blood. There was never a moment of true silence, in fact, the night time might have been even busier than the day. Certain parts of the city seemed asleep at times, it’s true, but to one who knew what to look for or where to prick their ears, the shadows were alive.

Inej had ears tuned to the noise of her city, her playground. With practiced ease she slipped through alleys and across bridges, never making a sound that could be traced back to her. With nothing but a flick of her braid, she vanished around the corner of a building, taking her usual route to avoid crossing the street where the Menagerie stood.

Kaz would have told her she was being irrational, wasting time, that it would be better for her to take the quicker route back to the Slat. _But_ , she reasoned, _Kaz hadn’t been the one trapped and sold like an animal._

It wasn’t even that much slower. After so many years of moving in that way, Inej could disappear and reappear somewhere else so quickly, she almost outran her demons.

Almost.

On the last turn before reaching the Slat, Inej slowed to a stop. In front of her was a gaggle of men- boys, really, all laughing and joking with each other. She smirked, knowing immediately they weren’t from around the Barrel. Any who could laugh that easily and freely at this time of night was a fool begging to be conned.

Normally, they wouldn’t be her problem. But tonight the saints seem to be conspiring against her, preventing her from reaching her final destination. The gaggle of people, about five or six of them, stood between her and her entrance into the Slat. She wouldn’t use the front door, of course, only an idiot would announce themselves that way. No, the Wraith preferred the second-floor window, the one without the squeaky hinge.

But it seemed doubtful she would make it tonight. The Wraith could slip by anyone faster than you could take a step, but in the light spilling out of the many building’s windows and the unfortunately sober obstacles, even she would have a hard time getting by.

She hesitated, quickly weighing her options. There was no _true_ danger, nothing out of the usual at least. No deadlines rested on her slender shoulders, no crew depending on her passing by undetected.

Inej took a deep breath, squaring herself, and stepped out of the alley, walking soundlessly toward the Slat. She kept her head down, hoping against hope she could just slip past them, just stick to the shadows, just stay out of sight-

The group in front of her shifted, one of them catching sight of her. _Don’t say anything,_ she commanded him silently, feeling the way his eyes traced up and down her frame. _If you want this to go smoothly, you will leave me be_.

Of course she had no such luck.

An idiotic grin breaking across the boy's face, he raised his voice as she approached. “Hey there, pretty thing, what’s got you in a hurry tonight? Or should I say, _who_?”

She ignored him, thinking only of getting to the Slat, to safety. Inej felt a hot rush of shame at the thoughts, knowing she had faced death and beaten impossible odds too many times to count yet here she was, cowering like a little girl before a nightmare monster.

The problem was she knew this was her weakness.

The problem was she knew there was nothing on earth, no amount of _kruge_ that could convince her to face this fear head-on.

The problem was she knew these kinds of people, hungry men with wolf-teeth that sparkled with greed in the moonlight. These men preyed on girls who couldn’t fight them off, sure they would be able to get their way.

The hyenas laughed, moving just enough to block her direct path to the doors.

“Hey, darlin’, I’m talking to you.”

Inej bared her teeth, growling low in the back of her throat. She said nothing, taking comfort in the shapes of her knives against her skin. She clenched her fists, trying to keep them from trembling.

Another one spoke up, a different one this time, with a voice that reminded her of sandpaper against wet wood. “Nights shouldn’t be spent on the streets of Ketterdam, sweetling, how about I take you home tonight?’

Her skin crawled at the hunger in his voice, at the surety with which he spat the words at her. She kept walking, trying to slip between them, the doors were just behind the tallest man-

One of them stuck out his foot, tripping her. She dropped with a practiced roll, getting back to her feet and whirling to face him, one of her knives leaping into her hand. “Watch where you put your limbs,” she hissed, trying not to let her voice quaver, “Or you might lose one of them.”

The man grinned at her, licking his lips. “Are you threatening me, sweet?” He chuckled, truly not believing she would hurt him.

Inej let out a breath of disgust and turned away, ducking under an outstretched arm. _The doors!_

She felt a hand at her waist and was immediately thrown into a memory so violent, she could only fall to her knees and shudder. There was silk wrapped around her body, trapping her, choking her. There was a man on top of her, his skin slick, his breath rancid as he turned her skin black with his palms. She couldn’t breathe couldn’t breathe _couldn’t breathe couldn’t-_

One of the men grasped her wrist and tried to help her to her feet, pulling her straight from one hell to another. She twisted her arm, breaking the hold, grazing his skin with her knife just enough to draw blood.

“Don’t touch me,” she growled.

Her vision blurring around the edges, Inej finally was able to dash to the steps. She slammed the door shut behind her and slid against it to sit on the floor, the blood pounding in her ears. Her hands shook as she sheathed her knife, wiping the blood on her pant leg. _What was that all about?_

She was supposed to be the Wraith. She was supposed to be untouchable, unable to be cornered. She was not the kind of person who collapsed at an errant touch or suggestive comment. Inej was supposed to be stronger than this, she was supposed to be so much _more_ than this.

She took a deep breath, hearing it rattle around her lungs.

“Wraith?” Rotty stood in the entryway, staring at her in confusion. “What happened out there?”

She just shook her head, trying to breathe. Something inside her was breaking, was already broken, would never be whole again.

There was no sympathy in Rotty’s voice, just bewilderment. He only knew the Wraith, Brekker’s pet spider. To him she was as otherworldly as a ghost, so to see her so humanly vulnerable was unsettling. He disappeared into the depths of the building, leaving Inej to her burning shame and unsteady body.

Was her heart always this loud? Was _anything_ normally this loud? The flickering flame of the lantern caught her eye, burning patterns into her eyelids. She couldn’t move, couldn’t think about anything except for the way the man’s hand had felt like it was going to break every bone in her body before letting go.

Inej didn’t know how long she sat there, breathing in and out far too fast. She was suddenly aware of something warm dripping down her hand.

She had been clenching her fists so hard her nails had pierced her skin, blood trickling out of crescent-moon cuts.

Beyond the buzzing of her own thoughts, she heard the telltale tapping of Kaz’s cane. Inej hastily wiped the blood away, trying to get to her feet. _Where had her balance gone?_

“Inej.” His tone was unreadable. She couldn’t tell if he was angry or disappointed, but she was sure it was some mixture of the two.

She looked up, trying not to let any of the storm of emotions that was currently tearing her mind to shreds show on her face. “Yes, Kaz?” she said softly, giving up on the thought of standing.

He crouched down, meeting her eyes. She was surprised to find concern there, not disgust or anger. “What happened?”

She took a deep breath, trying not to think about how close he was. Normally being close to Kaz Brekker felt like standing next to a live bomb that might go off at any moment but now, it felt like he was about to step on a landmine.

Inej shook her head wordlessly, not knowing how to say _I’m falling apart_ in a way that he would understand. Kaz stretched out a gloved hand tentatively, silently asking her if she wanted him to help her up.

She shook her head again, this time more forcefully. Touching on the best days was a game she could only play for enough time to shake hands or hug a friend and today was not one of those days.

“Stay,” she said quietly.

He nodded, giving her space with obvious reluctance. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She could feel the words budding on the tip of her tongue, ready to explode out into the world. But they could not be free here, not in the hallway of a criminal hideout with one of Ketterdam’s most feared demons.

The floor seemed to waver underneath her. “Is Nina here?” she asked.

Hurt flashed across his face, but Kaz quickly slipped back on the mask of guarded caution. “Yes, she’s upstairs. Do you want her to come down?”

Inej carefully got to her feet, only able to focus on the hint of tenderness in his voice and the feel of the wood at her back. “I need to talk to her.”

Kaz nodded, letting her leave without another word.

Nina was in her room on the second floor. Inej hesitated before knocking, unsure of what she was going to say.

“Come in!” The cheer in Nina’s voice felt foreign in her ears.

She pushed it open with hands still shaking, eyes trained on the floor. 

“Inej? Are you alright?” Nina stood up immediately, crossing over to where she stood, motionless, in the doorway. She reached out a hand to cup her face. 

Inej flinched and she dropped her arm. “Please, not right now,” she begged quietly.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright. I won’t. What’s wrong?” Nina gestured for her to sit down on the corner of the bed. 

Inej worried the end of her braid across her palm, biting her lip. “How can you tell something’s wrong?”

Nina laughed softly. “I could hear you coming, _Wraith_. That never happens. Something is obviously troubling you, I’ve never seen you like this. Now, out with it. Did Kaz say something? If he hurt you-”

“Teach me how you do it,” she interrupted. Her voice sounded feeble and hollow in her ears. She sounded fragile, breakable, _weak_.

“Do what?”

“How do you let them touch you?”

Understanding dawned on Nina. She settled her hands, palms-up and nonthreatening, on her knees. “Inej. You don’t _have_ to let them. You were bought and sold like a piece of furniture, you don’t owe it to _anyone_ to be able to handle someone else touching you.”

Inej glared at her shaking fingers. “But you can do it. Why can’t I? You’ve been through so much worse and I can’t-” She broke off, struggling to level her breathing.

Nina cocked her head to one side, taking a deep breath. Instantly, Inej felt her heartbeat slowing, her adrenaline slowly leaking away, the world coming into sharper relief as her fear turned to an uneasy calm. As Nina breathed in, out, slowly, repeatedly, her muscles unclenched and her lungs stopped feeling like they were wrapped in iron. 

“Better?”

Inej nodded gratefully. 

“Good. Now, listen carefully to what I’m about to say, alright?” Nina leaned forward, her face serious. “ _Trauma is not a competition._ You didn’t have it easier than me, or anyone else, you had a _different_ experience. Your reactions to it are valid no matter what. We all heal differently; recovery doesn’t look the same for two people. You _do not_ have to force yourself to let those animals touch you, do you hear me?”

Inej stared at her palms, twisting them together. “I can’t let this happen again,” she said quietly. “I need to be the Wraith, not some scared little girl. If this happened on a job, Kaz would-” She broke off, unsure of what he _would_ say. He certainly wouldn’t mock her, but if her status as his spider was compromised, she might be out on the streets before she could say _I’m sorry_.

She grit her teeth, the words _you are an investment_ flashing through her mind. This was one weakness she couldn’t let tear her down, just another obstacle to be conquered. 

“Have you ever reacted like this before?” 

“No, not like this. All he did was brush my waist, but saints, it felt like fire against my skin.”

Nina nodded in sad agreement. “And _that’s okay_. Let yourself feel; it may be a very long time before you reach _normal_ again. You might never be able to walk past them without shuddering and nobody can blame you. You aren’t hurt?” she checked.

Inej managed a smile. “No, but he might be.”

Nina whooped softly. “That’s my girl. Inej, I’m not going to try and teach you how to push yourself to relieve the horrors of your past, that’s a terrible idea. What I will do,” she continued, Inej hiding her disappointment expertly, “Is teach you how to deal with a panic attack, just in case it happens again when I’m not there, alright?”

“Thank you, Nina, you’re a blessing.”

She flashed a brilliant grin. “And a curse. You get some sleep, we’ll start tomorrow, once you’ve rested.”

Inej hesitated before opening her arms for a hug. Nina squeezed her tight, whispering _goodnight_ in her ear.

Outside her room, Inej mindlessly traced the silent path up to her room on the third floor. As she approached it, she was surprised to see Kaz hovering awkwardly outside the door, his hand raised as if to knock. She waited until she was right behind him to speak.

“Kaz?”

He spun around, gulping in a very un-Kaz-like manner. “Inej. Were you jumped on your way back to the Slat?”

“No, just had a bit of a panic outside the doors.” She looked up at him, struck by the realization that this was not a demon, but a seventeen-year-old boy.

“That’s good,” he said stiffly. “Don’t want word of someone getting the drop on the Wraith spreading through the Barrel.”

She rolled her eyes. “Alright then, thief, I’ll make sure to get kidnapped secretly next time.”

“How about _don’t get kidnapped_?”

Inej deliberately brushed past him into her room, noting the way he stiffened with no small amount of satisfaction. “Goodnight, Kaz.”

She shut the door, trying to replace the way the man outside had grabbed her with the feel of Nina’s arms around her and Kaz’s body quivering close to hers.

**Author's Note:**

> i would love to hear from you! i read and respond to all comments, they make my day.


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